Stop Talking
Timothy D. Evans, Ph. D.
Mom with a girl and boy, ages 6 and 8.
“Christmas miracle! This morning I left the sunscreen out on the counter, I never said a word and both kids put it on without me saying a damn thing. When they started bickering and fighting with each other I said, “I’ll be out in the car and they met me out there and surprisingly they were not fighting anymore.”
Most “good mother’s” (includes men) all make the same mistake. They talk too much, repeating them self, and are overly responsible. Most of what they are saying, has been said before, and can come across to the child as if they are not very smart (stupid, telling them something the child already knows).
Instead of acting, or even thinking, parents just talk. Whatever the child does, or in most cases does not do they have something to say. If they do not know what to do they talk—and it's never a constructive plan. For those around such a parent it is never very pleasant. Calling the child’s name 10 times in two minutes and repeatedly telling them not to do something has no effect, is superfluous, and often increases the power struggle. Action always speaks louder than words and your words need to follow action. Effective parenting requires the ability to act, move differently, never ever repeat what you just said, and not talk to release your own tension, annoyance, and anger. The rule of thumb is to talk little, think much, and act accordingly—in other words let the natural consequences take effect.
Adapted from R. Dreikurs Children the Challenge
When you tell a child not to do something, you are inviting a power struggle to occur with the child. Many times, you hear the parent repeat what they are saying over and over, “don’t touch, don’t do . . . “ Worse than repeating, is more talking but making idle threats of going to time out, bribing with a reward, or having something taken away. Fear, power, and the threat of punishment do not teach cooperation. It does teach the child that adults are those who impose their will on you. Therefore, cooperation means submitting to authority and not contributing to the group. As long as the child sees you as the authority, they may behave to avoid the humiliation. However, if the child sees the parent as an equal, he or she will challenge the parent by doing the opposite of what they are told. The child is thinking I am equal to you by being more powerful. While all of this is going on, the parent is constantly talking. The child learns to be parent deaf.
The alternative is to learn limited choices, natural and logical consequence, and encouragement. These are effective attitudes and methods in raising responsible and socially interested children.
This is what happened when this courageous mom decided to apply the principle of not talking:
Christmas miracle! This morning I left the sunscreen out on the counter, I never said a word and both kids put it on without me saying a damn thing. When they started bickering and fighting with each other I said “I’ll be out in the car and they met me out there and surprisingly they were not fighting anymore.