Our Approach to Couples Therapy
Timothy D. Evans, Ph. D.
Our approach is to help the client better understand why he/she was attracted to his/her spouse; why and how he/she experiences conflict; and what his/her chances are of doing something about it.
How do we begin?
In the initial interview we gather background information and explore the troubled areas. We find the discord is usually in two or more of the following areas; work, friendships, leisure time, sex, children, finances, in-laws, or religion. Next, we establish their willingness to work at their marriage. We explain the we believe in short-term therapy: that is, we feel that in six to eight sessions they will be able to make a judgment on their “together” experience.
How do we do it?
The Private Pact: Often the marriage therapist needs to explain the Private Pact or unspoken agreement between partners. This Pact is never consciously articulated or even understood until it is pointed out to a client. Nevertheless, it is an agreement, and it forms the basis for the attraction of the two persons to each other. In our sessions, we detail the process of the attraction and the nature of the Private Pact.
Number One Priorities: An integral part of our approach is to establish the number one priority of our clients. There are four basic themes which seem to emerge regularly: The need to control; The need to be Superior or Significant; The need to Please; and the need for Comfort. A fifth and sixth observation is sometimes evident: the role of the Victim and Martyr. After the dominant theme in the personality is uncovered, the negative and positive aspects are discussed. We have found that a couple’s number one priority becomes particularly clear at a time of great stress and conflict.
Life Style Assessment: A Life Style is identified and assessed by investigating the individual’s family constellation and interpreting his early recollections. A Life Style Inventory enables the therapist to discover the client’s basic orientation toward life. A Life Style is based on a person’s private logic and develops out of the person’s life plan. Out of this plan emerges the life style, which – like a musical theme – accompanies the individual through life. In other words, the individual creates his/her own convictions about what he/she can expect of life. Another way of saying it is: “I am”; “the World is”; and therefore, “Life is”.
Conflict Resolution: We deal with marriage problems using four principles of conflict resolution: (1) showing mutual respect, (2) pinpointing the issue, (3) reaching a new agreement, and (4) participating in decision making. Every marriage conflict involves a violation of one or more of these principles.
Actualizing the Marriage: Actualizing the marriage means not settling for peaceful co-existence, but growing individually together in a dynamic relationship in which the potential for love, understanding, caring, excitement, and intimacy can be realized. Dialogue between spouses in an atmosphere of confidentiality and trust leads to the discovery that they are experiencing themselves and each other anew.