I once had a couple seek counseling because their marriage consisted of criticism and arguing over who was “right”. He was convinced there was a right way to decorate a Christmas tree, and this created great misery for all the family members. He had a theory on how the lights and ornaments are to go on the tree. His wife, of course, had her way of decorating the tree. It was an opportunity to cooperate, however they chose to be “right” and fight it out.
Sometimes the quest for significance consumes a person’s life. This is particularly true in the life of the perfectionist. For the perfectionist, it is imperative that whatever they have planned, even to the smallest dinner party, must go perfectly, without a hitch. They make lists upon list, over emphasize “getting it right”, to make sure whatever they do is flawless.
In general, people who strive for perfection unknowingly want to be the best. With everything they do there is an inner need to do an excellent job. They tend to be overly responsible and find it impossible to compromise the standards they have set for themselves and others. Whatever they do, it must be the best, not almost perfect, but perfectly perfect. Their unrealistic high standards often result in dissatisfaction with self or others. Everything looks perfect while everyone may feel miserable.
It is important the perfectionist comes to grips with the tremendous price they pay. The perfectionist, will be over-involved, over extended, brining high level of stress, and fatigue to their lives and those around them. For the perfectionist, they reason its only human nature to “do your best.” The perfectionist has such standards they can never be happy, no matter how well things go.
Those who live and work with such a person often give up wanting to cooperate. They realize there is no way they can measure up to the high standards. Consequently, they may do nothing, and feel resentful of the perfectionist’s “goodness of excellence.”A healthier approach to finding significance is by having meaningful relationships and the courage to be imperfect. Instead of striving to do your best, simply function, contribute, and let the chips fall where they may. Learn to accept mistakes as a part of life. The only way not to make a mistake is to stay in bed all day, and after a while even this is a mistake. More damage to our self-worth is due to the interpretation of the mistake than the mistake itself. To make a mistake gracefully and without shame is an essential requirement for living.
Real happiness is not possible with unrealistic standards of self and others. When are overly ambitious expectations of our self and others collide with the demands of reality, we end up feeling defeated and discouraged. There is no one right way to decorate a Christmas tree or for that matter anything else. In fact, doing it right could take away from the enjoyment of even having a Christmas tree. Anything we do can always be improved or made better.
To gain some sense of inner peace, we need to have a degree of self-acceptance. The most tortured and miserable human beings are those who strive to convince themselves and others that they are something other than themselves. They have no inner peace or satisfaction in life. They fail to realize that happiness lies in being ordinary, functioning, and contributing. Doing things “right” or being “perfect” is not about contributing to the welfare of others. It is really about your own status.
If you live long enough, trouble will reach you or a loved one. Some individuals experience more heartache than others. It is not equally distributed, but we are all going to have our fair share of trouble, and mistakes. These things are going to occur because we are human. Perfectionism will not prevent these bad things from happening, just like it could not prevent the Titanic from sinking. Perfectionism will create criticism and self-blame that leads to greater misery in the world. Human beings are hard wire for adversity and can manage imperfection.
PS
My friend is convinced we can still have a perfect Christmas tree and be happy. She may be right. I guess it is how you how you approach the tree. Happy Holidays!
Perfection
Overemphasize the outcome
Overemphasize success or failure
Anticipating failures which creating paralyzing fear
Not deciding
Procrastinating
Limiting activities to only those things you do well
Unrealistic expectations on self and others
Only recognizing mistakes
Best or Nothing
Over emphasis being right