The chief concern in parenting is the pampered child. This occurs when we do too much for a child. We pamper when we wake a child up, remind a child about homework, talk to her teachers, settle a child’s disputes, make a child’s breakfast and lunch, dress the child in the morning, and diagnosis a child as having selective attention.
The parent sees himself as heroic because he put his needs aside and focuses on meeting the child’s “needs”. We do this in order to be a “good parent”. This is done for appearances and not for the child’s development.
Parents have basically three excuses for pampering. “Yes, I do too much for my child because:”
I love him.
A parent is supposed to meet the needs of the child (S. Freud)
I am responsible for my child.
Any time you do something for a child that she is capable of doing for her self you are pampering. Pampering undermines a child’s self-confidence, limits his social interest, and insures that he cannot leave home.
Today’s parents experience tremendous pressure to turn out an exceptional product, which is not the same as an imperfect human being. A child just cannot be ordinary and useful. The child must be exceptional.
Our children are hardwire for adversity. A well-informed and courageous parent will allow their child to struggle and experience adversity. This creates a self-reliant individual who knows how to struggle with the challenges of life and does so with a hopeful attitude. To allow a child to struggle and not step in is an effective and courageous parent. A child surviving their own failures along with experiencing their triumphs develops the competencies needed later in life.
It takes courage for today’s parent to give up on being a “good parent.” Nothing changes with a good parent. A good parent wants to be helpful and meet the child’s needs. Therefore the parent is placed in the service of the child who then becomes a tyrant. The child learns to think that others are there to meet his needs and entertain him.
If you give-up on being a “good parent” and instead decide to become an effective parent you regain your maneuverability. You now have the freedom to relate to the child in a way that the child does not terrorize you. You now have the maneuverability to let the child learn from his mistakes, which may include failing school, not eating, being tired, and how to resolve conflict on his own.
Resources:
Berne, B. (2012). Daring greatly. Gotham books.
Dreikurs, R. (1964). Children the challenge. New York, Hawthorn.
Dreikurs, R. Social interest in children.
Lahey, J. (2015). The gift of failure: how the best parents learn to let go so their children can succeed. New York, Haper Collins.
Appeared in the British Columbia Adlerian Society newsletter, Spring 2017.
Timothy D. Evans, Ph. D., is the Executive Director of the Florida Adlerian Society. He is in private practice in Tampa, Florida with his wife Geri (Carter and Evans, Marriage and Family Therapy). [email protected]